Free stuff and Essex girls

I LOVE FREE STUFF.

I saw a poster it called out to me from across the street, it was beautiful. With a voice gentle as though it were a lover or an angel.
" Free pizza."

My heart raced, my palms began to sweat and for a brief moment in time we were alone. Naturally I ran back to my house to  give the good news to my house mates. They already knew and thats when I was introduced to my new room mate. He's a good man I couldn't ask for a better lad to share with. As a house we ran to the pizza and collected the glorious free food.

 For the second time in one day. "Do you want to come to my bussiness meeting there's free booze?"
I had already begun to formulate a plan. I would go to the meeting pretend to be a bussiness student and when they're not looking I'd swipe as much wine as I possible could.

So we arrived and i began to mingle casually throwing around bussiness terminology and even though I wasn't dressed for the occasion it had worked I was in, I was one of them. Standing like bowling pins they were calling to me all I had to do was seize the opputunity.

A smartly dressed woman strolled over to the wine; designer bag in hand. She kissed her teeth and robbed 3 bottles. The game begins. So I called her, "Excuse me!" I heckled. She thought the jig was up the whole place was silent. I shock her hand and told her that I thought she was fantastic.

As it happened she was from Essex. She told us that she was 19, and went on to explain that she had past her prime. She couldnt wait to tell us about the Botox she was booked for and a whole new treatment called snake venom. Apparently you pose your face exactly how you want it and then spray your face with this snake venom it causes contraction and paralysis of certain muscles. Just like when your mother says if the wind changes your face will be stuck that way.